Hmmm, I really debated about including this info…

Anyway, you know how some people are well, “shit” gift-givers – well it seems that singer Ke$ha is, as well, literally.

Anyone who she considers to have wronged her in some way can expect a nicely gift-wrapped piece of dog poo in the mail for Christmas. These charming little stink bombs are courtesy of the singer’s dogs, although whether the gifts are sent with the dogs’ permission is not known.

Ke$ha had no qualms spilling the beans about this, so to speak, and she admitted that she sometimes uses her music as retaliation towards other wrongdoers. It’s hard to decide which would be worse – to receive a box of doggie doo in the privacy of your own letterbox or to have your transgression recorded for public posterity in a song.

Ke$ha is a Pisces, with Mercury (communication) and Jupiter (optimism, generosity) in Pisces. Normally this would make you rather forgiving, sweet and compassionate and highly aware of karma - especially against wrong-doers.

Unfortunately she has Mars (anger, energy) in Taurus (nature) opposite Pluto (power, taboos) in Scorpio (sex, death, destruction). When someone gets on her bad side she goes well, ape-shit, taking the particularly revengeful route of sending dog poo which would be an upsetting and disgusting gift for anyone.  

Of course, there’s always a positive spin for everything, and perhaps we should be congratulating Ke$ha for switching to gifts that are environmentally-friendly, sustainable and green.

Or in this case, brown.

Have you ever bought something for yourself (or someone else) and then thought, “what was I thinking?!”

Mercury retrograde is renowned for making bad choices, such as not having enough information, or the wrong information.

Mercury retrograde, which happens three times a year for three weeks each time, is a high-risk time for buying birthday or Mother’s Day gifts (Sunday 9th May virtually everywhere) based on the wrong information.

It traditionally rules communication and transport so when you buy items that have some technical aspect to them, it’s more than likely you need to get them repaired or refunded. Mercury affects PDAs, Blackberries, Bluetooths, iPods, mobiles, laptops, desktops, hard drives, scanners, printers, fax machines – almost anything that has a chip in it.

Mercury goes retrograde from 18 April through to 11 May. For this retrograde period, it will be in Taurus, which happens to rule beauty (ie cosmetics), decorations (which includes homewares, flowers, and of course clothing and jewellery) and art and it’s over this period that people will be buying Mother’s Day gifts. It’s quite likely that any gifts you buy during this time will have the wrong colour, texture, size or appearance – and probably the wrong price!

Why? Taurus rules the second house which correlates to gifts, money, possessions and income. You may over-pay for something now, or you think you’ve paid for the entire kit and then find, “but wait, there’s more” that you have to pay for.

Pleeeeeeeeease keep your receipts or buy them before 18 April!

Even though I run an astrology website, I’m the first to admit that I’m not much of a techie. And this week my laptop died (temporarily) but was resuscitated with the computer guys saying I had to back it up on a hard drive. “Um,” I said, “I don’t have a hard drive.” The withering look on their faces was enough for me to go out and get a Seagate with 1 terabyte of storage from Officeworks that day (and the guys there said hard drives are quite popular as a Christmas gift – who woulda thunk it?)

Anyway, it must be techie week. This same week I got yet another reminder from 3 that my post-paid 24-month contract was up for renewal but what made me act (and yes, I chose an iPhone but unfortunately had to say sayonara to the very nice people at 3 as they don’t stock them) was the subject heading something along the lines of “Your free upgrade offer ends 15 January”.

As it would happen, 15 January is when Mercury, the planet of communication and transport goes direct after a three-week retrograde period starting on Boxing Day (26 December).

Buying any items that have some technical aspect to them during Mercury retrograde virtually ensures you will need to get them repaired or refunded. Mercury affects PDAs, Blackberries, Bluetooths, iPods, mobiles, laptops, desktops, hard drives, scanners, printers, fax machines – almost anything that has a chip in it.

If it’s not the product itself, you can mishear the quote (“That’s $1,100 – not $700″) or buy the wrong size, colour or specifications.

Online shoppers have to double-check everything! You could enter and pay for the wrong item/size/colour, select the wrong shipping option, postcode or misspell your email address – which is even worse if you’re buying someone an electronic gift certificate. So you gotta take care.

My tip is: buy anything vaguely technical before 26 December or wait until 15 January 2010. You can start your research – just don’t sign on the credit card line. Oh – and keep your receipts!

Cyber Monday is the five-year-old phenomenon attributed to online retailers who feature amazing sales on the Monday following Thanksgiving. The day after Thanksgiving (always on a Thursday) is the curiously-named Black Friday which is the Day From Hell at bricks-and-mortar stores and malls when shoppers beat each other to death over a pair of shoes on sale (I’m joking…just).

Cyber Monday (this year on 30 November) avoids the hysterics, allowing you to shop online at home (or at work when your boss’s back is turned). There is even an official Cyber Monday website for shoppers where you can make enormous savings on their Christmas gift purchases.

However, on 30 November, Mercury in Sagittarius is squaring Uranus in Pisces. Mercury rules communication, Uranus (electronics), Sagittarius (travel and publishing) and Pisces (glamour and escapism). Mercury is a trickster at the best of times and Uranus is renowned for shocking and upsetting people.

People shopping online for electronics (ranging from mobile phones , iPhones and printers through to massive plasma TVs) could purchase a too-good-to-be-true deal on Cyber Monday. The product may have to be returned for repairs, it may fail to do what it’s supposed to do or it just doesn’t work with your existing electronic items (ie they’re now obsolete).

Others may receive an email promotion which has – disappointingly – already ended by the time they get to checkout or that the products are already out of stock. Yet more may be alarmed to find that their computer goes down which prevents them from shopping. And other people may be shocked to discover a bill they weren’t expecting has emptied their bank and/or credit card accounts, thus making it impossible for them to shop online.

If you shop on Cyber Monday, make sure the store has secure-socket layer (SSL) technology, a phone number you can actually call to speak to someone (not those websites with only email fields in the Contact Us section), and a money-back guarantee.

If you’ve got a diamond ring burning a hole in your pocket (or just the urge to propose), Wednesday 28 October 2009 is a lovely day to get down on a bended knee to pop the question!

Venus (the Goddess of Love and Beauty) will be in Libra (the sign of balance, harmony and relationships) which will make a gorgeous trine to Jupiter (the Santa Claus of the zodiac) in Aquarius (friends, hopes and wishes) that day. There is probably no other combination as romantic, lucky, prosperous, abundant and joyous as this aspect!

On the same day there is also Mercury (communication) in Scorpio (sex, insight, psychology) sextiling Pluto (the planet of transformation) in Capricorn (stability, longevity, conservatism). This combination is fantastic for putting a metaphorical jigsaw puzzle together in a long-term way. Hopefully you are the one who “completes” them.

Plus, Saturn (the Pillar of the Community guy) moves into Libra (see above) the very next day. He WANTS you to get married and to make a commitment! How cool is that?!

I read that Victoria Beckham (Posh Spice) loves the gifts that her World’s Sexiest Man, David Beckham, gives her.

Ha! I would, too. Apart from renting out Richard Branson’s beautiful Necker Island in the Carribbean to celebrate their 10th wedding anniversary, ol’ Golden Balls also had 10 roses tattooed around his arms to celebrate their 10 years of  marriage.

According to Becks, “I always seem to do pretty well,” he says. “She always seems to be happy with the gifts that I get her.”

Yes, indeed. From an astrological point of view, they are really meant to be. His Mars in Gemini conjuncts her Venus in Gemini while her Venus in Pisces conjuncts his Mars in Pisces. Such a double Venus-Mars conjunction is very unusual – and very, very hot! They still madly fancy each other after all these years and are right in tune – even down to gift-giving.

His Mars in Pisces also conjuncts her Jupiter in Pisces. Mars is what you desire and Jupiter is what brings you joy. David truly desires Victoria’s happiness and recognises that extravagant – yet also wildly romantic – gifts are what she wants. She’s also an Aries, with Mercury in Aries - and they’re not shy about saying what they need!

Victoria has Venus conjuncting Jupiter in Pisces in her seventh house of relationships. Venus is what you love and it’s conjunct Jupiter which is what brings you joy, while Pisces, rules music, movies, mysticism, glamour and feet! The seventh house rules her marriage so she is deeply delighted when Becks sweeps off her feet with romantic gestures and gifts.

They really get each other as they both have the Moon in Aquarius and both of their Suns are in each other’s eleventh house of friends and group activities. They will stay friends no matter what.

Finally, Victoria has a Leo Ascendant which is a prime candidate for somewhat diva-ish, look-at-me behaviour on the outside. Romance, beauty, love and fun are very key for her. David on the other hand has a Cancer Ascendant. He is well-known for being a family man and has often cried after losing important soccer matches.

Well, if he needs cheering up…

If you’re thinking of buying someone a vaguely techie gift for their birthday (or even putting something away for them for Christmas), please don’t buy it during Mercury retrograde!

Mercury retrograde happens about three times a year for three weeks each time. Mercury rules communication and transport so when you buy items that have some technical aspect to them, it’s more than likely you need to get them repaired or refunded. Mercury affects PDAs, Blackberries, Bluetooths, iPods, mobiles, laptops, desktops, hard drives, scanners, printers, fax machines – almost anything that has a chip in it.

And if you buy something during Mercury retrograde, you’ll probably get a chip too, on your shoulder! Mercury retrograde purchases can turn out to be lemons, having missing components, incomplete instructions (oh, for God’s sake, don’t start putting something together from Ikea, you’ll get divorced!), items that you almost immediately lose or break, or which are just the Wrong Thing Entirely.

If it’s not the product itself, when you shop you can mishear what the salesperson quoted (“That’s $1,100 – not $700, Madam”) or buy the wrong size or colour (my friend Jane’s husband Jim is colourblind so he’s banned from shopping for clothes for the kids, Jane and himself).

If you go online shopping you must double-check everything! You could enter and pay for the wrong item/size/colour, select the wrong shipping option, postcode or misspell your email address – which is even worse if you’re buying someone an electronic gift certificate.

Mercury retrograde next happens from 6-29 September 2009, 26 December-15 January 2010, and then from 17 April-11 May 2010.

Ifyou have to buy gifts for an anniversary, birthday, christening, Christmas, engagement, Fathers Day (6 September for Australia, New Zealand, Fiji and PNG), Mothers Day (for most countries, 9 May 2010), new baby or wedding, either buy the gifts well head of those dates or give them an IOU for a belated gift so they don’t get a techie “turkey”. If there’s one time you just gotta keep that receipt, Mercury retrograde is it!

Oh boy! I want to work for Oprah Winfrey!

As part of the celebrations for her 55th birthday, the undisputed queen of TV talkshow programs has taken her employees and their families to a popular Spanish tourist attraction in Barcelona, (keep in mind that the Oprah show is filmed in Chicago, USA) where they’ll spend three nights before going on a 10-day Mediterranean cruise around Italy, Greece, Turkey and Malta.

She has – count ‘em – 1,700 employees so with all of them taking at least two other people (spouse/partner and an incredibly lucky child), that’s already 5,100 people she’s taking on holidays. In 2005, she took all of them on an all-expenses-paid trip to Hawaii.

Apart from the fact she’s a gazillionaire and can afford it, why, from an astrological point of view is Oprah so generous?

Oprah has her Ascendant and Moon in Sagittarius. Sagittarius is ruled by Jupiter, the planet of expansion (hence her weight issues), generosity (well, hello!), and optimism. She lives life with gusto and her enthusiasm is palpable. Her Jupiter in Gemini (communication, talking, presenting) is in her 6th house of work and health. She is one mighty generous employer and they love her for it. She has her Sun (your basic personality), Mercury (what you think about) and Venus (what you love) in Aquarius (friends and group activities) in her 2nd house of income. She loves what she can do with money, thinks about what she can do with money (did you ever see the episode where every audience member got a new car?) and makes money from just being herself.  And the trips overseas? Sagittarius rules travel.

If you enjoy spending at least some of your weekend shopping for gifts, this weekend is probably not the best for it.

It features a New Moon in Taurus, which in itself is OK – Taureans love their possessions – but which is going to get activated by the Mercury square Neptune aspect (in force until Sunday morning), and then be followed up by a crushingly brutal Mars square Pluto combination lasting until early Monday.

So what this points to is a “need” (the Moon is what you need) around money, finances, posessions etc. You may “need” to go shopping for a birthday gift. 

Mercury (thoughts, communication) squares Neptune (glamour, illusion, escapism) suggests that you could be severely deluded if you think that antique in the market stall is real, the bag on eBay is a genuine Prada, the gizmo actually does what it suggests etc. Lies, fantasies, wishful thinking, confusion are all typical of a Saturday afternoon at the shops – and then of course, there’s this aspect.

Then the real kicker is Mars (aggression, anger, energy, drive) square Pluto (hidden secrets, power, control, taboo). You could be boxed into a very uncomfortable corner, made to agree to something not in your favour or bullied in a thoroughly unpleasant confrontation.

Since shop assistants aren’t allowed to carry on like this, your weekend could go like this: You want to go shopping for something/anything, so you buy something useless, flimsy, or unreliable, and then you get into a big fight about your spending habits which you’ve been trying to avoid or they finally discover your credit card statement. Or something similar.

This might be one weekend not to go shopping…

When a friend or family member’s birthday is coming up, how do you feel about presenting them with the gift? While the ads on TV will have you believe that everyone beams with joy upon a receiving a gift, nay, it isn’t so.

Why? There are some planetary signs, houses and aspects that will make some people grunt their thanks (at best!) while others light up like a Christmas tree when they receive something.

Everyone knows the type of gift recipient who will attempt to smile and nod when they receive something (and that’s their best efforts at enthusiasm). These ingrates are often shy about openly expressing their appreciation, and just can’t seem to get worked up with the thrill that makes it feel worthwhile making an effort to give them a gift.

Many of them are ”cursed” with a Moon and/or Mercury conjunct/square/oppose Saturn aspect. Any of these combinations makes them awfully self-conscious, pessimistic, and disbelieving of their worthiness. If you get them a good present, they feel embarrassed, obligated, or even suspicious of your motives, ie “what do you really want from me?”. If you get them a (quite honestly) bad gift, they feel that they don’t deserve any better and will then moan no-one cares. Yes, it’s not too fun giving them something.

Others tough gift nuts to crack are those with Saturn in the second house. Saturn rules what makes you feel uncomfortable, insecure, unworthy, shy – you get the drift – and the second house rules money, values, possessions and other material goodies. If you don’t buy them a super-good, thoughtful present that’s the best you can afford, they feel you don’t care. These guys are quite often the type to judge their relationship with you by the quality of the gifts you give.

A related gift-giver is one with a heavy Virgo or Capricorn focus in their chart (and Taurus to a lesser degree). They can be surprisingly mean and have no compunction about re-gifting, or just giving you a “token” present eg a jar of jam, a small book etc – even for a milestone birthday. They just don’t like spending money. The gifts they prefer to give tend to be actual services ie they will happily help you move, repair something or offer advice that you’d normally pay for.

Geminis, Sagittarians and Aquarians can often get a kick out of giving someone a gift that strays dangerously close to being wildly inappropriate, just to get a rise out of them. These are the whoopee cushions and other silly gags (especially appealing to Sagittarians), books that send a message ie How to Win Friends and Influence People (Geminis are most guilty of this) and those are so left-field no-one can believe they bought them – take a bow, Aquarius.

Those with a heavy Aries, Mars or first house focus in their charts are hopeless at thinking about others. And you won’t be in any doubt how they feel about your prezzie! They either love it and start using it/playing it straightaway (at which point you heave a sigh of relief) or will say, “No, there’s a much newer/better/trendier/cooler X that I want” or something charmingly similar, making you furious you bothered. If they haven’t abdicated their gift-buying responsibilities to someone else, they tend to buy exactly what THEY like as that is what interests them. So ask these guys to give you a gift card to a store you like. You get what you want, it takes them mere seconds if they do it online with an electronic gift certificate AND you can let them know what you bought thanks to them. This’ll then encourage them to do it again as they love praise…

Next post – who’s great at receiving gifts…