Bill Clinton used to be extremely powerful as the President of the United States, but not even he can overcome a poorly-chosen wedding date.

His and Hilary’s only daughter Chelsea is getting married on 31 July 2010. As soon as I saw the date my heart sank (and it must have spooked another astrologer, Jeff Warren, as well).

The date of your marriage – or starting a new job, house purchase, website launch, or incorporation of a business, for example – is the birthday of that event. Just like a person, an event has its own personality.

On 31 July, there is a tough, uncompromising Mars conjunct Saturn in Libra. Mars rules action, energy, sexual drive and anger while Saturn rules endurance, responsibility, depression, delays and maturity. A conjunction locks two planets together (like strangers in a lift.) Libra, of course, is the sign of marriage, relationships, partnerships and allies. (You can see where this is going, can’t you?)

Mars and Saturn are naturally at odds – Mars wants to floor it, while Saturn wants to slam the brakes on. This is a classic aspect for stress, blocked energies, obstacles and frustration. I’m not crazy on seeing it in a sign that rules marriage.

As well, the Moon is in Aries. The Moon is the planet of home and family, what makes you feel cosy, safe and nurtured. Aries is fiery, impatient, restless and egocentric. A marriage date with Moon in Aries can make it a battle royale of over-achievers at best, a selfish, cold and competitive arena at home at worst.

An aspect that occurs only two days prior, which still has plenty of punch - Mars in Libra opposite rebellious Uranus in Aries on 29 July - only adds to the impatience, restlessness and relationship upsets. And one that occurs three days later on 3 August, Jupiter in Aries square Pluto in Capricorn is equally indicative of pressure from authority (um, guess who?!).

To top it off, there are no water element signs in their marital chart to add some much-needed softness, emotional understanding, intuition and compassion.

Chelsea and her new husband, Marc Mezvinsky, will have to work very hard to not to fight to be top dog in this marriage.

Hmmm, I really debated about including this info…

Anyway, you know how some people are well, “shit” gift-givers – well it seems that singer Ke$ha is, as well, literally.

Anyone who she considers to have wronged her in some way can expect a nicely gift-wrapped piece of dog poo in the mail for Christmas. These charming little stink bombs are courtesy of the singer’s dogs, although whether the gifts are sent with the dogs’ permission is not known.

Ke$ha had no qualms spilling the beans about this, so to speak, and she admitted that she sometimes uses her music as retaliation towards other wrongdoers. It’s hard to decide which would be worse – to receive a box of doggie doo in the privacy of your own letterbox or to have your transgression recorded for public posterity in a song.

Ke$ha is a Pisces, with Mercury (communication) and Jupiter (optimism, generosity) in Pisces. Normally this would make you rather forgiving, sweet and compassionate and highly aware of karma - especially against wrong-doers.

Unfortunately she has Mars (anger, energy) in Taurus (nature) opposite Pluto (power, taboos) in Scorpio (sex, death, destruction). When someone gets on her bad side she goes well, ape-shit, taking the particularly revengeful route of sending dog poo which would be an upsetting and disgusting gift for anyone.  

Of course, there’s always a positive spin for everything, and perhaps we should be congratulating Ke$ha for switching to gifts that are environmentally-friendly, sustainable and green.

Or in this case, brown.

Lindsay Lohan reportedly gave her mother Dina the Mother’s Day gift of a closet makeover (no, her mum is not gay) to sort out her parent’s enormous volcano of clothes waiting to erupt on some unfortunate visitor to her bedroom.

Apparently the celebrity organiser, Linda Koopersmith spent seven DAYS – not hours! – organising Dina’s clothes into some sort of structure, with labelled drawers (bet you could do it much cheaper with a Dymolabel).

Anyway, Dina is a Virgo, who are usually known for being neat and organised. Her birthday on 15 September 1962 reveals that on her 47th birthday in 2009, transiting Saturn (responsibility) in Virgo (precision) opposed Uranus (freedom) in Pisces (escapism). This is a tough aspect which will dog her until September 2010. She has already come under fire for being irresponsible, most notably for letting 16-year-old daughter Ali into clubs, and not insisting Lindsay complete rehab therapy, let alone stop drinking yada yada.

Like mother, like daugher, Lindsay is a famous hoarder herself and she’s pretty used to people pawing through her dirty laundry as well.

Lindsay is a Cancer and they’re well-known for being hugely sentimental, unable to throw anything away, attaching emotional significance to their possessions. Owning things in Cancer Land = security therefore decluttering can mean = insecurity! On top of this she has Moon (needs) in Taurus (money, possessions) which increases her tenacious, hoarding style plus a glamourous, look-at-moi Venus (beauty) in Leo (entertainment) which pressures her to look on-trend for the paparazzi.

One of the strongest aspects in Lindsay’s chart is Sun opposite Neptune. The Sun rules your self and your identity while Neptune rules, among other things, glamour, cinema and photography, but also delusions, illusions, escapism and addictions of all kinds.

Lindsay has has a highly publicised battle with alcohol and drugs and it would also seem, with the mall. Shopping is really an escape for her.

If only someone could help her sort her her own mess…

The US TV show Saturday Night Live has just recorded its highest ratings for the last 18 months thanks to a pre-Mother’s Day show with octogenarian comedienne Betty White.

Millions tuned in to watch the Golden Girl ham it up and show what she’s made of.

Betty is a Capricorn who are known for climbing the career ladder, slowly but surely. They also have the interesting knack of looking younger as they get older! 

What I love about this is that people have finally realised that old people still make great entertainers. Comedians George Burns and Bob Hope performed well into their 90s but until Betty grabbed the attention and affection of enormously influential Hollywood blogger Perez Hilton, no-one else over the age of say, 65, has been in the spotlight.

Betty’s Mother’s Day gift has been to help make the elderly visible and relevant. Imagine – people tuning in to enjoy watching an 88-year-old woman! You can just see the TV executives on their Monday morning meeting, saying, “Right, she was great! Who else is old and funny? The crowd is lapping it up! We better get some more of them.”

With Baby Boomers aged 44-62 and making up the largest slice of the population, ageing is an issue which all companies must face. Older people wield a great deal of wealth and it has been an enormous mistake to present advertising and entertainment centrign mainly on twentysomethings

Pluto which rules power, taboo topics and generational change entered Capricorn which rules old age and the elderly among other things, in November 2008. Pluto takes a looooong time to move through each time but each time, he totally revolutionises it.

Pluto will stay in Capricorn until 2024. By that time, I predict that older people will be represented much more heavily in TV, movies and music (the Rolling Stones are all in their 60s now and will probably still be carrying on in another 15 years).

For ageing mothers everywhere (ever noticed how nearly all the retailers’ ads feature yummy mummies in their 20s or 30s?), Betty’s huge popularity must have been a particularly happy “gift” in time for Mother’s Day.

Kathryn Bigelow is the first woman to win an Oscar for film directing which is amazing considering the show’s been going for over 80 years (or at least it seems like it, during those song and dance routines).

Her award for The Hurt Locker must feel very sweet as she was going up against her ex-husband James Cameron for his monster hit Avatar.

Kathryn is a Sagittarius which rules foreign travel and culture, philosophy, politics, law and religion – themes of which keep featuring in her films (eg Blue Steel, Point Break, K19: The Widowmaker).

She has the planet of action, energy and violence (Mars) in the peaceful, romance-oriented sign of Libra, which rules fairness. She really fights for what is right, whether it is politically correct or not. Kathryn also has Jupiter (generosity, abundance, optimism) in Aries (masculinity, ego, action, war) so yes, she really does enjoy making action flicks!

As the Oscar nominations were announced, transiting Saturn in Libra (relationships, marriage, business partnerships) moved towards a conjunction with her Mars. Saturn rules longevity, endurance, patience and hard work and will make you famous once you’ve earned it – and she became famous for what she put all her energy into. Interestingly, Saturn in Libra insists on fairness and equality so even though most people expected her ex-husband’s behemoth of a movie to scoop the pool of awards, it was her low-budget movie instead.

She also has the Moon’s North Node (a fated position) in Pisces, a sign renowned for film and photography. As the Oscar nominations were revealed, transiting Jupiter (which provides lucky breaks and goodwill, among other things) in Pisces, conjuncted her natal Moon’s North Node.

Her win was meant to happen!

What do you give your wife for Christmas and her 30th birthday who you’ve scorned publicly and worldwide?

If you’re Tiger Woods, you give your deeply unimpressed wife Elin Nordegren a cool $300 million in cash so she can buy herself a little something. Hell – you could buy an entire department store chain with that.

By Valentine’s Day he would have been emptying his bank account faster than his little Capricorn Sun could have handled thanks to his dwindling sponsorships, so he “economised” with a $3 million customised sport boat for Elin, called um, Solitude so she could go diving, which is her favourite sport.

Mother’s Day is just around the corner. I’d love to see what he comes up with then. I honestly don’t think he can buy his way (or his wife back) out of this one…

When I read about singer Katy Perry planning to give her brand-new fiancee, Russell Brand, a lilac Bentley for Valentines Day, I thought, “wooah, there, girl!”

They got engaged very romantically on the Full Moon of New Year’s Eve in India after dating since only September 2009.

Whichever way you cut it, after barely five months, they still don’t know each other very well. Yeah, yeah in THAT sense but it takes time for a person’s chart to unfold.

The strongest aspects around their chart have to do with Uranus (no jokes, please) which indicate sudden, enormous attraction, crackling electricity, independence, unconventionality, friendship, but also a definite on-off quality to their relationship.

The sign your Jupiter is in is where you find fun, joy, generosity, and optimism. Katy has hers in Capricorn. While the Mars-Jupiter conjunction that she has is renowned for being super-impulsive (compulsive, even), Capricorn is not known for being splashy with money and prefers to climb the career ladder, building a solid reputation. She also has the Sun, Moon and Mercury in Scorpio which means she is completely passionate – yet also highly strategic.

While I don’t doubt she fancies Russell’s pants off (his Mars in Aries trines her Venus in Sagittarius – lovely for a romantic, sexual attraction), she’s no fool and knows her flamboyant gesture would get publicised (which kinda ruins the surprise for him).

I’m not convinced that these guys can make it last the distance however. Russell has his Moon, Mars and Jupiter in Aries which means he feels, acts and has fun spontaneously. Plus he’s a Gemini and boy, are they hard to tie down! Katy’s more of a planner so his impulsive proposal may come unstuck as transiting Jupiter and Uranus in Aries (mid-year), Pluto in Capricorn and Saturn in Libra hit their charts over the next couple of years.

Better keep the receipt for the Bentley!!!

I read that Victoria Beckham (Posh Spice) loves the gifts that her World’s Sexiest Man, David Beckham, gives her.

Ha! I would, too. Apart from renting out Richard Branson’s beautiful Necker Island in the Carribbean to celebrate their 10th wedding anniversary, ol’ Golden Balls also had 10 roses tattooed around his arms to celebrate their 10 years of  marriage.

According to Becks, “I always seem to do pretty well,” he says. “She always seems to be happy with the gifts that I get her.”

Yes, indeed. From an astrological point of view, they are really meant to be. His Mars in Gemini conjuncts her Venus in Gemini while her Venus in Pisces conjuncts his Mars in Pisces. Such a double Venus-Mars conjunction is very unusual – and very, very hot! They still madly fancy each other after all these years and are right in tune – even down to gift-giving.

His Mars in Pisces also conjuncts her Jupiter in Pisces. Mars is what you desire and Jupiter is what brings you joy. David truly desires Victoria’s happiness and recognises that extravagant – yet also wildly romantic – gifts are what she wants. She’s also an Aries, with Mercury in Aries - and they’re not shy about saying what they need!

Victoria has Venus conjuncting Jupiter in Pisces in her seventh house of relationships. Venus is what you love and it’s conjunct Jupiter which is what brings you joy, while Pisces, rules music, movies, mysticism, glamour and feet! The seventh house rules her marriage so she is deeply delighted when Becks sweeps off her feet with romantic gestures and gifts.

They really get each other as they both have the Moon in Aquarius and both of their Suns are in each other’s eleventh house of friends and group activities. They will stay friends no matter what.

Finally, Victoria has a Leo Ascendant which is a prime candidate for somewhat diva-ish, look-at-me behaviour on the outside. Romance, beauty, love and fun are very key for her. David on the other hand has a Cancer Ascendant. He is well-known for being a family man and has often cried after losing important soccer matches.

Well, if he needs cheering up…

“The very rich are different from you and I”, F. Scott Fitzgerald once wrote. “Yes, they have more more money,” said Ernest Hemingway.

Yes, indeed. Apparently Kourtney (she is one of the bazillion Kardashian celebrity children with a “K” name) and her boyfriend, entrepreneur Scott Disick are getting ready for the impending birth of their first child by buying some much-needed baby essentials. A pram? Don’t be silly. A collapsible cot? No way. Surely they’re stocking up on baby clothes.

Well yes, they’ve bought a very practical cashmere baby hat ’cause, you know, it gets so cold in LA…

Oh boy! I want to work for Oprah Winfrey!

As part of the celebrations for her 55th birthday, the undisputed queen of TV talkshow programs has taken her employees and their families to a popular Spanish tourist attraction in Barcelona, (keep in mind that the Oprah show is filmed in Chicago, USA) where they’ll spend three nights before going on a 10-day Mediterranean cruise around Italy, Greece, Turkey and Malta.

She has – count ‘em – 1,700 employees so with all of them taking at least two other people (spouse/partner and an incredibly lucky child), that’s already 5,100 people she’s taking on holidays. In 2005, she took all of them on an all-expenses-paid trip to Hawaii.

Apart from the fact she’s a gazillionaire and can afford it, why, from an astrological point of view is Oprah so generous?

Oprah has her Ascendant and Moon in Sagittarius. Sagittarius is ruled by Jupiter, the planet of expansion (hence her weight issues), generosity (well, hello!), and optimism. She lives life with gusto and her enthusiasm is palpable. Her Jupiter in Gemini (communication, talking, presenting) is in her 6th house of work and health. She is one mighty generous employer and they love her for it. She has her Sun (your basic personality), Mercury (what you think about) and Venus (what you love) in Aquarius (friends and group activities) in her 2nd house of income. She loves what she can do with money, thinks about what she can do with money (did you ever see the episode where every audience member got a new car?) and makes money from just being herself.  And the trips overseas? Sagittarius rules travel.